Co-parenting and family

Coparenting s a form of partnership between a man and a woman who has and are raising a child together, but not living together. The most common pattern is when a man lives separately from a woman with a child, but has a different degree of obligation to the child.

We’ll immediately decide that initially we don’t put the option of coparenting here on the same level as the option of marriage and family.
The family is the most important human community, the value of which does not compare with other options for relationships. It is more favorable for a child when his biological parents - mom and dad, constantly live with him (her) and give him (her) their parental love.

But there is an obvious problem - it’s not so easy to find a person who is right for you to create such a harmoniously developing family together. And, more precisely, not everyone succeeds in doing this in such a relatively short life cycle. Reproductive age is not infinite.
Therefore, the question arises - why not have the so-called “B” plan with you? Of course, it cannot completely replace family happiness, but if you wish, you can, at least for the child, create the family atmosphere.

In general, coparenting can be divided into two types: post-divorce and contractual. So the first is not our topic, but the second is precisely our case when this type of relationship is proposed to be started when we meet, before the birth of the child.

Now it’s important to note that we are comparing with a fairly high bar - when the family, as they say, is prosperous. But if the situation changes for the worse - this is a discord in relations between spouses, divorce (which occurs in about half of marriages), then in this situation, coparenting, on the contrary, is in a better position.
To see this difference, we compare how the collapse of the family and the leaving of one of the parents affects the child and how the initial absence of one parent affects the child.

Consider what happens when a family breaks up.
The main things that a child has in the first years of life are close people who constantly live with him (her) in the house and who treat him (her) with kindness. From the position of a child, it is unnatural that one of the parents (usually the father) leaves the family. This is for him (her), just like anyway, the world has overturned - this is a big psychological trauma.
In the perception of the child, the leaving of the father is a betrayal. And, if he (she) still sees a bad relationship between mom and dad, then this further exacerbates the situation.

Now we look at what happens with contractual coparenting.
From the outside, such relationships may look unnatural, but they are considered such for us as adults, since we have certain attitudes (patterns), which actions are traditional, which are non-traditional. For a child 1-7 years old, there are no such patterns. And, if dad doesn't live with them, but comes periodically, then from the position of the child, it should be so. This way of life is habitual and stable for him. There is no “breaking the world”, as in the case when the family falls apart and dad leaves. The current state of things is not violated, which means that there is nowhere for psychotrauma to appear. Yes, after a while the child, growing up, will begin to compare him(her)self with other children whose families are complete. But it will be later only when the period of the fragile psyche of an early age is passed. And most importantly, the child will not feel abandoned by his (her) dad, as he did not leave, but initially did not live together. On the contrary, dad will enter his life more and more.

So, if the family is prosperous, then it retains an advantage over coparenting, but if a child see the divorces, on the contrary, contractual coparentinghas the advantage.

Summarizing, we highlight two points:
1. Priority should not be given to following traditional templates at all costs, but following the path that ensures the absence of psychological trauma in the child.
2. The option of creating a family is definitely better, but only if you have found a good person and see the prospect of creating a happy family. If you are not sure if there are any other circumstances that impede marriage, then coparenting is your option.

Some call congenitality a "consolation prize" for those who fail to create family happiness. This, of course, is a controversial definition. But even if you talk like that, it’s such a prize that you can, if you wish, so decorate your life and the life of a child, as not every family can still do it. There is every chance for this!